


I Think I'm Lost Without You

by lizbianoddity



Category: Dynasty (TV 2017)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, French Kissing, Gentle Kissing, Girls Kissing, Liam doesn't exist in this universe oops, Love Confessions, Masturbation, Poor Sam, Secret Relationship, Someone please give him his pinata, Spring Cleaning, Surprise Kissing, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenagers, how can someone masturbate for twelve hours i don't know, ides of March, will add better tags soon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24873472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizbianoddity/pseuds/lizbianoddity
Summary: Repressed memories return to Kirby as she remembers a past life that she and Fallon shared.
Relationships: Kirby Anders/Fallon Carrington
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	I Think I'm Lost Without You

**Author's Note:**

> I changed some of the ages of the characters because I didn't want teenage Fallon and Kirby to get into more racy situations.
> 
> This fic is based on the song "Lost Without You" by Freya Ridings. I do not own it, all rights belong to the owners.

Kirby woke up to the sound of construction echoing through the manor. Her bedroom was not much wider than a closet, so she felt the vibrations rumble under her mattress. The minute her eyes opened, she groaned. She turned to her side to read the 8:00 AM time on her digital alarm clock and cower at the bright sunlight dripping through the curtains.

 _Of course_ , Kirby thought to herself. _Carringtons never sleep, least of all in their beds._

She stumbled out of her bed, not bothering to change out of her silk pajama set. The coldness of the Grecian hall floor chilled her bare feet. Kirby didn’t think about wearing slippers either. Having lived at Carrington manor for years, not even including her adolescence, she made it a habit to treat herself at home.

Kirby knew there was someone who would call her out once they saw her falling-apart pedicured toes, and her bedroom turned out to be where the commotion came from.

Two handy men carrying a polished wood chest blocked Kirby’s path as they walked out Fallon’s room. Piquing her curiosity, Kirby peered around the corner to see what was happening. Inside Fallon’s bedroom were several more workers removing the rest of her furniture. The construction noise came from three of them unscrewing Fallon’s crystal chandelier.

And standing in the middle of the room was Fallon Carrington herself. Sporting a white business suit and a matching open umbrella, she directed the men on how to handle the expensive furniture. What Fallon considered “constructive criticism,” others classified as “reasons for their therapy bills.”

“No! You cannot lay that cabinet on its side!” Fallon yelled. “It must be upright! That finishing scratches easier than the lottery tickets you buy every night! Move it people! You’ll never see any more expensive furniture than this in your entire lives!”

Kirby ducked under the large self-portrait that another couple carried out and entered Fallon’s bedroom.

“For someone who runs a billion-dollar company, you still don’t know how to talk to people.” Kirby quipped.

Fallon whipped her head around. “People-pleasing has nothing to do with being a CEO.” She fired back. “And you’re not allowed in here without a hard hat.”

“Why aren’t you wearing one then?”

“What, this hair under _that_ hat? I don’t think so. The umbrella is a much more on-brand alternative.”

“I hope Fallon Carrington has an on-brand health insurance plan.”

“I’m a rich American. The only aesthetic my health coverage has is that it exists.”

The repair people finally managed to remove the chandelier from Fallon’s ceiling, climbing down the step ladder with two million dollars’ worth of crystals in their hands.

“Why are you even doing all this?” Kirby asked Fallon.

“Since Spring Cleaning is tonight’s party theme, I figured that cleaning out my bedroom would put me in the right line of thinking.”

“Spring Cleaning? What happened to Ides of March?”

“Didn’t sit well with the guests. Apparently, company heads and CEO’s don’t want to think about underlings rising up and stabbing them in the back. So, March 14th is now about dusting and starting fresh.”

“Did you have to start fresh so early in the morning? I need my beauty sleep, you know.”

“And when are you planning to start _that_?”

Kirby gave a sarcastic eye roll towards Fallon. She looked around the room, gawking at what Fallon planned to give up.

“God, so many people would sell half their internal organs to afford this kind of luxury, and you’re just throwing it away.”

“I’m not just throwing it away!” Fallon defended. “This is all going into storage, and whatever doesn’t fit in storage is donated to the less fortunate millionaires who can’t experience the Carrington lifestyle. I’ve been rearranging my room for years, Kirby. I know how this works.”

“Yeah, I remember. Your room was so different ten years ago. Can you even imagine your bed today having that frilly pink canopy?”

Fallon looked over at her bed and couldn’t help but giggle. “And those posters of the men from _Gossip Girl_ watching me sleep. No man I’ve dated can even compare to Nate Archibald.”

Kirby then looked behind her to the dresser the handy men still hadn’t removed yet. “And—oh my god, I forgot you had a dresser that was actual _gold_! Why on earth you did ever get rid of that?”

Fallon’s playful demeanor suddenly hardened. She stared down Kirby with a cold look in her eyes.

“That dresser…” Fallon tried to explain, “…had…a past.”

Kirby guffawed at her answer.

“Like what?” she asked. “How can a dresser have a past? The only time anything scandalous happened was when I stole your makeup. Even back then you could scream like a banshee. Like, every time you saw me in eyeshadow or whatever, you threw a fit, except when—”

Kirby stopped her sentence. She then realized what Fallon had referred to.

Both locked eyes for a split second and broke the contact just as quickly. The silent tension between the two women was thick enough to cut through with an axe. The only sound coming out of Fallon’s bedroom now were the shuffling of work boots across the floor. Speaking of which…

“How would you like us to take down the bed, Ms. Carrington?” asked a worker, startling both women out of their thoughts.

“I-I-I’ll be with you in a second.” Fallon stuttered. Before she went with him, she turned back to face Kirby.

“So, I’ll see you—”

“At the party, yeah.” Kirby interrupted.

“Do you want to borrow a dress again?” asked Fallon.

"No!” Kirby answered abruptly. She slowly started backing out of the bedroom. “No, no, I’ll find something, I’ll…figure it out!”

She quickly exited and briskly walked downstairs to the dining room. Joseph Anders—the family butler and Kirby’s father—was pouring coffee in the porcelain teacups bordering the impressive buffet of breakfast foods.

“Hi, Dad” Kirby said, hurriedly sitting down and gulping down the hot coffee. It didn’t matter how much it burned her mouth, Kirby needed to focus on anything but her mind right now.

“My, aren’t we energetic this morning” Anders noticed.

Kirby set down her cup with a large _clank_. “Fallon—” she cleared her throat, “—Fallon woke me up with all her ‘Spring cleaning.'"

“Ah, yes. Even when she’s not in the office, Ms. Carrington does find a way to work herself silly.”

Kirby nodded, biting down a nearby croissant.

“I’ll be in the kitchen overseeing the chefs. Do you need anything?” asked Anders.

“No, Dad, but thanks.” Kirby said. Anders left the dining room and Kirby exhaled a tremendous sigh.

One piece of furniture. How could one piece of furniture bring back so many memories? For years, Kirby had repressed much of her childhood at Carrington manor. Whether that had been through drugs, alcohol, or just denial, she never wanted to remember what happened back then. With the exile from the manor and leaving her father to go back to her home continent of Australia, Kirby’s past was a painful one. Until she came back two years ago, Carrington manor was nothing but bad experiences.

Except there were some good experiences for Kirby. Important ones. Ones that filled her with indescribable feelings…

_Her father never understood her. Kirby was fifteen years old, and he still wouldn’t let her wear makeup. “It will attract the wrong type of boys” he said. What boys? Kirby thought. She was homeschooled, never leaving the manor or her father’s sight. Kirby hadn’t even seen a boy her age except Steven Carrington, who was clearly gay._

_Kirby wanted to wear makeup because that’s what girls her age did. Especially rich, popular, glamorous girls like Fallon Carrington. Having become a teenager, Fallon was now experiencing dedicated events and parties for young rich ladies. When she wasn’t at school dances or debutant balls, countless boys whisked her away on endless dates._

_And Kirby hated all of it. She wasn’t jealous of what Fallon did, but what Fallon didn’t do with her. Having been lifelong childhood friends, Kirby wasn’t interesting to Fallon anymore. She was more focused on boys and becoming an adult than the friend she had for years._

_So, wearing Fallon’s makeup wasn’t just for makeup’s sake. Deep down, Kirby wanted Fallon to yell at her for stealing it. She wanted Fallon’s anger. She wanted whatever feeling Fallon directed at her._

_It started the same that early Spring afternoon, when Kirby sat in front of the solid gold dresser while Fallon was out on another date. She experimented with a regrettable combination of blue eyeshadow and orange lipstick. Fallon had just perfected her winged eyeliner, and Kirby tried to as well. They looked more like chicken pox bumps than wings, but Kirby didn’t care. She was just having fun._

_That is until Fallon slammed open the door. Kirby jolted out of her seat in shock. Fallon’s face was red, and her brows furrowed in anger._

_“Fallon!” Kirby shrieked. “I—I didn’t know you were home! I’m so sorry for using your makeup without your permission again. I just thought that since you don’t use these as much that you wouldn’t care if I used them instead—”_

_“Shut up, Kirby” said Fallon in a defeated tone. Kirby did shut up, but in shock. Fallon always put up a fight when it came to her makeup._

_Fallon surprised Kirby even more when she sat down in front of the dresser, buried her hands in her arms, and cried._

_She never saw Fallon cry before. Even in childhood, Fallon was the tough cookie compared to the timid Kirby. Though the foreign situation frazzled her a little, Kirby still wanted to help. She pulled a chair over with a box of tissues in her hand. She laid the box down next to Fallon, still crying. Fallon sat up and took a tissue to wipe her eyes._

_“Do you…do you want to talk?” Kirby asked hesitantly._

_Fallon sighed. “You wouldn’t understand” she said._

_“I could just listen.”_

_Fallon crumpled the tissue in her hands. Her eyes still welled with tears._

_“George broke up with me again” she managed to sob. “We were making out in his pool and out of nowhere he says, ‘I don’t think we should see each other anymore.’ God, what a dick. Boys are the worst.”_

_Kirby nodded along. “I mean…I wouldn’t know, but I agree.”_

_Fallon turned to face Kirby. “Wouldn’t know what?” she asked._

_“About boys.” Kirby answered._

_Now it was Fallon’s turn to be shocked._

_“You…have you ever had a boyfriend?”_

_“No” said Kirby sheepishly._

_“Not even in Australia?”_

_“No, I didn’t have a boyfriend when I was five.”_

_That made Fallon chuckle_ _slightly_ _._

_“God, I can’t even remember my life without boys. They change you, Kirby.”_

_“I remember your life pretty well. I was in a lot of it.”_

_Fallon smiled. “One day you’ll know. Then you’ll understand the pain of being in love.” She dramatically brought her wrist up to her forehead._

_“The pain?”_

_“Oh my god, there’s so much pain! Along with the love too, but so much pain!”_

_“Now I don’t know if I even want one.”_

_“Me either.”_

_Both shared a small smile._

_“I mean, I still haven't had my first kiss, so what chance do I have getting a boyfriend?”_

_Fallon’s eyes grew wide and she grabbed Kirby’s shoulders._

_“YOU HAVEN’T KISSED ANYONE YET?” she screamed._

_“I don’t go to school, Fallon! And I don’t want to lock lips with your brother!”_

_Fallon relaxed a little and huffed out a giggle. “Okay, that I understand.” For a moment, Fallon and Kirby stared at each other in silence. Kirby could see the gears turning in her eyes. Fallon always had solutions to problems that didn’t exist yet. One of many attributes she learned from her father._

_“You know, if you want a boyfriend, you need to be a good kisser” she said._

_“But how?” Kirby asked. “I tried kissing my elbow, but it didn’t feel right.”_

_“Of course it didn’t feel right! You’re not kissing a guy’s elbow when you go out! You need to practice on some lips.”_

_“Again, how?”_

_Fallon then moved closer to Kirby. They were now face to face; their noses almost touching._

_“Kiss me” said Fallon._

_“What?” Kirby cried. “Fallon, isn’t that…isn’t that wrong?”_

_“What are you, a bigot? Besides, girls practice on each other all the time. It’s not like it’s the real thing.”_

_“Oh. I…I don’t know if I’m comfortable—”_

_Fallon held Kirby’s face._

_“Trust me. Kissing someone else—even boys—is gross and weird if you think about it too much. I just want to help.”_

_Kirby sighed. “Okay,” she agreed._

_Fallon brought down her hands._

_“First, tilt your head to the right, but not all the way.”_

_“Why?”_

_"That way your noses don’t bump into each other.”_

_Kirby tilted her head._

_“Next, slowly lean in.”_

_Kirby started to lean but Fallon pushed her shoulder back._

_“Not yet! Now, when you’re about an inch away from his face, close your eyes and part your lips.”_

_Kirby nodded and gulped. This was it. She was about to kiss Fallon Carrington. Could she consider this her first kiss? Fallon said it wasn’t real, but she was still kissing someone._

_Kirby didn’t have time to think when she saw Fallon starting to lean in. With her head tilted to the right, her eyes closed, and her lips parted, she felt Fallon’s hot breath on her face before she felt her kiss._

_At first, Fallon started going fast, her normal pace, but then slowed down for Kirby. Even though she seemed confident, Fallon never had kissed a girl before. This was new for both of them._

_Kirby couldn’t think about how well she was doing because Fallon’s lips made her mind turn to mush. All she could think about were how soft and warm her lips were. She could taste Fallon’s strawberry lip gloss. She started to feel her lungs tighten from the lack of air, but Kirby didn’t want to break the kiss for anything._

_Eventually, the girls had to breathe. They split apart like a firecracker. Kirby stared at Fallon’s chest, huffing with great force. Her eyes trailed up to Fallon’s lips, puffy and tinted with Kirby’s orange lipstick. Kirby rubbed her own lips together and felt them sticky from Fallon’s lip gloss._

_Although they both caught their breath, neither could seem to speak. Kirby, already out of her comfort zone, broke the ice._

_“So…how was that?”_

_Fallon looked like she was staring at Kirby’s soul._

_“What?” she asked._

_“I mean…was I good or—”_

_Fallon interrupted Kirby by grabbing her face and joining their lips together again._

_This kiss had much more fervor than the last. Fallon, unable to control herself anymore, went faster, and Kirby tried keeping up. The room dissolved around them. All Kirby knew were Fallon’s breath, fingers and lips._

_Being brave and going against Fallon’s rules, Kirby opened her eyes. She looked in the dresser mirror. Kirby saw how they were connected by their kiss, along with Fallon's hands crazily stroking Kirby's face. They looked like a couple on a movie screen. It didn’t matter if Fallon wasn’t a boy. She was Fallon Carrington, and Kirby was kissing her. The thought stirred something inside her, and Kirby quietly moaned into Fallon’s mouth._

_Fallon broke the kiss at the sound. Kirby tensed up, wondering if what she did was wrong. Instead, Fallon’s eyes turned dark, hypnotizing Kirby. Fallon’s hand caressed Kirby’s face. She leaned into the touch on instinct. Fallon then slowly trailed down to the middle of Kirby’s neck, then down the bare skin of her chest…_

_A knock on Fallon’s bedroom door took the girls out of their moment together. Fallon retracted her hand like a claw._

_“Come in” Fallon squeaked, her voice sounding like it didn’t belong to her._

_Anders entered the room._

_“I am here to inform you both that dinner is ready.”_

_“Thank—thanks Dad,” Kirby stuttered, “We’ll be right down.”_

_Anders closed the door, leaving Fallon and Kirby alone together._

_With both their faces flushed with pink and their eyes wide, neither Fallon nor Kirby knew what happened. Unrecognizable emotions surrounded them, and they were too scared and too excited to talk about them just before dinner._

_“Let’s…” Fallon started to say,” …let’s just pretend this never happened.”_

_Kirby nodded, but didn’t know if she agreed. Yes, what happened was strange and weird…but it was also amazing. Did Kirby want to forget that?_

_Fallon stood up from her chair. She offered her hand to Kirby. The nanosecond Kirby took it, a jolt of lightning traveled up both their skin. Fallon let go of Kirby’s hand at once and walked out her room just as quickly._

_Kirby stood in the room by herself. Everything still looked the same as before, but Kirby felt like everything changed somehow._

_If kissing Fallon was this earth-shattering, what would kissing a boy feel like?_

“Head’s up!”

Sam interrupted Kirby’s flashback by throwing something in her direction. Kirby yelped as the object tumbled onto the table. She picked it up and saw that it was a miniature bust of Julius Caesar.

“Sam! You could’ve killed me!”

“I know! I’m so amped for this party tonight! Fallon said that the person who finds the Caesar bust gets the first stab at the Caesar pinata! I can’t wait to taste his candy blood!”

“Wow, psychotic much? And I’m guessing Fallon hasn’t told you the change in party theme. We’re on Spring Cleaning now.”

Sam sadly slumped in his chair. “Well, that’s depressing” he sighed. “I hope this raspberry parfait lessens the pain, but I know it won’t.”

 _Pain_. That word had bounced around Kirby’s head all morning. _So much pain in love_. Without thinking, she touched her lips. These lips kissed Fallon Carrington so many years ago. Did they still feel her? Had they always felt her, and this was just her new normal?

Sam noticed that Kirby was in her head. “You okay?”

Kirby looked up at him, slightly embarrassed.

“Oh, it’s nothing.”

“Kirbs, I love you, but acting is not your strongest suits.”

“Really? I acted liking your hair-brained schemes for years, and you’ve never noticed.”

“If I can’t have a Caesar pinata, you’re my second choice to stab.”

Kirby laughed and flicked a croissant crumb at him.

“So really, what’s going on?”

She sighed.

“Did you…have you…have you ever looked at something and then suddenly all these memories come flooding back?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. Sometimes I’m just minding my own business and then I see some random shit and think about Steven.”

“What do you think about?”

“I don’t know…anything. His face, his laugh, some special moment we shared together.”

“But have you ever looked at something and it triggers memories that you had completely forgotten about?”

Sam tilted his head in confusion.

“Is that what happened to you?”

Kirby nodded, swallowing the last of her croissant.

“What was—”

Fallon entered the dining room, cutting off Sam's question. Then Sam’s attention was on her.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you changed the party?” he asked Fallon.

“I was busy with all that Spring-cleaning bull crap. If I had any energy left to care about other people, it would be a miracle.”

“But what about my pinata?”

“Don’t fall into stereotypes, Samuel.”

“WHO DOESN’T LOVE A PINATA?”

Kirby watched Fallon and Sam’s fight from afar. It was the typical way to start a day at Carrington manor. Usually, Kirby liked watching Sam in the heat of battle. His huffiness made him extra entertaining, especially with today’s “Mexico didn’t invent fun, Fallon” argument.

But today was different. Instead, Kirby watched Fallon. While Sam was the aggressor of these morning fights, Fallon did not engage as much. Though she did throw in some digs, she seemed to focus more on her morning cup of coffee than Sam. It was as if his words rolled off her designer suit.

Kirby then caught herself staring at Fallon’s hands. She never noticed them before. Of course, she knew Fallon _had_ hands! But she never noticed how long her fingers were. Or the position they held curling around the bottom of her teacup. Kirby imagined Fallon flipping over contracts and negotiations with class and grace because of just how beautiful her fingers were.

Kirby felt herself getting hot, even though the whole manor was air conditioned. She watched Fallon take a long sip of her black coffee. Kirby wondered if that coffee was just as hot as her lips were ten years ago.

Just then Kirby felt her stomach twist. A heat pooled in her lower half. She abruptly stood up from the table, catching Sam and Fallon’s attention.

“Um…” Kirby stumbled for an excuse. “I need to go.”

She walked out of the dining room. When she was out of the two’s line of sight, she sprinted into her bedroom and slammed the door shut. The internal heat covered her entire body. The urgency of her itch was too much to bear. Kirby felt like a young teenager all over again.

Which made sense since she kept thinking about being fifteen.

In Carrington manor.

With Fallon.

When Fallon had kissed her.

Kirby laid down on her queen bed, her head slightly leveled by her pillows. She couldn’t believe she was doing this during the day, but her hands slid down to her pajama bottoms, under the waist belt. Already she was wet just from her memories. Kirby moved her hand around her warmth, trying to regain that feeling of Fallon’s lips on hers again.

As she laid there touching her sweetest spots, she then realized this all felt too familiar as well…

_Even though Kirby was in bed, she was not asleep. Far from it. No matter how many times she closed her eyes, they sprung back open. When her eyes did close, she remembered what happened between her and Fallon when they were shut before._

_Fallon said that it wasn’t a real kiss. It sure felt like one to Kirby. Her first real kiss. Her first kiss was with Fallon Carrington. Kirby elicited the same moan she made earlier. Then she thought back to when Fallon touched her, when her hands felt like fire. She wondered what would have happened if her father never knocked on their door? What would Fallon have done? Would she go farther? Where would she have gone? Where would she end up?_

_Kirby tried to follow Fallon’s path. Her hands crossed her cheek, her neck, and her chest. She traveled farther down her stomach—_

_The door suddenly opened. It was as if the universe was begging that no one should touch Kirby. She quickly pulled the covers over her head, cursing herself for not locking the door._

_Kirby then wondered who would come into her room at such a late hour? As she thought about it, she figured out it would be the person who believed they owned the manor and could enter wherever they wanted, at any time. Kirby felt her mattress shift under the body that now laid next to her._

_Turning on her side and removing the covers, Kirby came face-to-face with Fallon. It was too dark to make out any face, but Kirby knew it was Fallon. Her blue eyes could shine through any blackness._

_“Fallon,” Kirby whispered, “what are you—”_

_Fallon pressed her fingers to Kirby’s lips, silencing her. She then replaced her fingers with her own lips. Kirby greedily accepted Fallon’s kiss. They were still finding their rhythm, noses bumping occasionally._

_Just as the kiss started, Fallon stopped it._

_“What was that?” asked Kirby._

_"I wanted to kiss you again. So, I did.”_

_“But…why?”_

_Fallon pressed their foreheads together._

_“You know why,” she said._

_“But…but…” Kirby stammered. “But what about boys?”_

_Fallon gave a husky laugh, which made Kirby shiver._

_“No boy has ever come close to you.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah.” Fallon intertwined their hands._

_“That doesn’t put a lot of faith in me finding a boyfriend if I’m the best you ever had” Kirby said. “Will you be the best that I ever have?”_

_“Kirby.” Fallon was now nose-to-nose with the other girl. “I want you to kiss me forever.”_

_With that confession, Kirby felt herself surge forward and enrapture Fallon's mouth. Their kisses grew more heated, not even bothering if they touched lips anymore. They now explored the skin of each other's cheeks, noses, ears, temples, and whatever facial features they could reach. Fallon kept her hands around Kirby’s face, afraid that she would fly away._

_Kirby then felt Fallon’s tongue stroke against her bottom lip. She squealed and broke the kiss, surprised by the new texture._

_“Um…” said Fallon. Though Kirby still couldn’t see her clearly, she knew Fallon was embarrassed._

_“That’s the second part of kissing” Fallon said._

_“Tongue?”_

_“It’s French kissing. It’s supposed to be fancy.”_

_"_ That's _what French kissing is?”_

_“God Kirby, how sheltered are you?”_

_“You have no idea. My dad would be guarding my room if he could.”_

_“But Daddy isn’t paying him to, so he won’t. Not if I have anything to say about it.” Fallon smirked and gave a light peck on Kirby’s pouty lips._

_“Fallon?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Can I…can I French kiss you?”_

_Kirby heard Fallon gulp and utter a soft "uh-huh." The permission was good enough for her._

_She leaned over and stroked Fallon lip with her tongue, trying to remember how Fallon did it to her. Fallon then opened her mouth, granting access to enter. Kirby’s tongue timidly circled Fallon’s mouth, still uneasy about this new technique. Fallon’s tongue greeted her, slowly crossing over each other. As they continued the kiss, Kirby then realized that she was breathing in Fallon. If she swallowed, then she would be swallowing Fallon. Drinking Fallon. Kirby once again moaned, only this time Fallon didn’t pull away. Instead, she held their heads together, their tongues now rapidly feeling each other. Kirby wrapped her arms around Fallon's torso and pulled her in.The whole make-out was sloppy, not as controlled as when they first kissed, but Kirby liked tonight so much better than this afternoon._

_After sucking every molecule of oxygen out of each other, the girls separated on both sides of the bed, their hands clasped together in the middle. Their chests were heaving, rising high enough to touch the stars they both were on._

_“And that,” Fallon said, catching her breath, “is what we call French kissing.”_

_“I like it.”_

_“You should. It’s a special kiss, meant for special people.”_

_“Like who?”_

_“Like for boyfriends…or girlfriends.”_

_Kirby looked over at Fallon, still lightly gasping for air._

_“Did…does that mean…”_

_“Do you want to be my girlfriend, Kirby?”_

_Kirby then looked down at her feet. She realized that she couldn’t feel them this whole time._

_“I…I don’t know.”_

_“It’s the twenty-first century. No one will care.”_

_“My dad would. He doesn’t even let me wear makeup. He’d blow a fuse if he found out I was dating his boss’s daughter.”_

“ _Again, Daddy would handle that. He already has a gay kid. Why not another one?”_

_Kirby rolled herself closer to Fallon._

_“Are you gay?” she asked._

_Fallon sighed._

_“I have no idea. All the boys I kissed don’t hold a candle to you, but that doesn’t mean there isn't some guy out there like that. I’ve never kissed another girl except you.” Fallon then curled into Kirby’s side. “And I like kissing you. I like kissing you so much. I couldn’t wait for tonight so I could do it again.”_

_Kirby smiled and kissed Fallon sweetly._

_“So, is that a yes on the girlfriend?” asked Fallon._

_Kirby hung her head. “Fallon, I like what we’re doing, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”_

_Fallon sighed. “Okay. Well…how about being my secret girlfriend?”_

_“A secret girlfriend?”_

_“We don’t tell anyone about us. We kiss like this, the darkness hiding everything. We don't even need to be in our bedrooms! We could kiss in movie theaters or planetariums or—”_

_“I thought you said planetariums were shills for the real stars.”_

_“Regardless, our relationship will just be between us. And if it doesn’t work out and we break up, then it won’t affect our lives and we go back to normal.”_

_Kirby frowned at that part. “This isn’t normal?”_

_Fallon smiled kindly. “No. This is too special for anyone to understand. Even my parent’s marriage doesn’t measure up to you and I.” She was about to go in for another kiss until Kirby stopped her._

_“What about boys?”_

_“Easy. I just say they’re not up to my standards. I’ve been called arrogant before; I can handle it.”_

_“Won’t your parents get suspicious?”_

_“You mean Daddy, relieved to have a daughter not obsessed with boys? And Mother says the best husband she ever had is sauvignon blanc, so don’t worry.”_

_Kirby grinned. “Okay. I’ll be your secret girlfriend, Fallon.”_

_Fallon’s smile almost stretched off her face. She pounced on Kirby, covering her face with tiny kisses. They kissed until daybreak cracked over the golf fields. Kirby’s bed felt like an iceberg when Fallon left, but she couldn't be sad._

_Kirby and Fallon were now secret girlfriends._

_For months, they kept a steady relationship. Kirby daydreamed about Fallon in school, coyly turning down every boy interested in her. When she came home, they shared secret kisses around the manor. The only other family members who knew of their relationship were the horses, as they frequented the stables often. Their weekends were full of making out in the back row of the movie theater, holding hands through flower gardens, and dress shopping for Fallon. Sometimes Fallon would open the fitting room curtain too early so Kirby could catch a glimpse of her in her underwear. And every night, they shared a bed together, leaving each other before the sun came up._

_They never went farther than second base. While both girls adored each other, sex felt like they were crossing an invisible line. So, they kissed and felt their bodies with their hands. Kirby loved kissing Fallon behind the ear and feeling her shiver. Fallon loved pressing her fingers into Kirby’s sides and hearing her moan. They wanted to consume each other but also fuse together, their two hearts beating as one._

_It was heaven for Kirby. But then…_

“Party time, bi—OH MY GOD!”

Sam had burst into Kirby’s room while her hand was down her pajama pants. She screamed along with him. Sam covered his eyes.

“Jesus Christ, I thought I'd never have to see another one of those after I came out!”

“How the fuck do you think I feel?” cried Kirby. Even after ten years, she still had forgotten to lock her door.

“Is this,” Sam gestured around the general direction of Kirby, “ is this what you've been doing all day?”

“All _day_?” Kirby looked at her alarm clock. It read 8:00 PM, twelve hours later the last time she looked at it. “Oh god,” Kirby groaned. She collapsed on the bed, her face red both from embarrassment and arousal. “Twelve hours…how is that possible?”

“You’ve been masturbating for _twelve hours straight_?”

Kirby muffled a response.

“I’m both horrified and impressed” said Sam, pulling a granola bar out of his pocket. “You need this more than I do.”

Kirby snatched the bar out of Sam’s hands and scarfed it down. He sat on the end of the bed.

“So,” he asked, “who's the lucky man pretending to eat you out?”

“Sam! You’re disgusting!”

“I’m still processing walking on my best friend masturbating! Maybe don’t give me shit for saying the wrong thing!”

Kirby curled into a ball of shame. She licked the excess granola off her lips.

“Hey,” Sam lightly squeezed her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I know that was way worse for you. I’m not judging any part of your sexuality, and I’m willing to move past this if you are.”

Kirby looked up and smiled shyly at Sam. She unraveled herself and stretched out onto the bed.

“I’m still not over the twelve hours part.”

“Me neither. But _please_ tell me who the guy was! Anyone that can power through half a day is one hell of a man! Wait, you shouldn’t tell me. I might steal him for myself!”

“Sam…” said an exhausted Kirby. She sighed, something she did a lot today. She looked up at Sam, her best friend. He was the most likely to accept what was happening to her.

“You just said that you don’t judge any part of my sexuality.”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m kind of gay.”

“Yeah?”

Kirby stared at him, confused.

“Was there more?” he asked.

“Aren’t you surprised that I’m gay?”

“Oh, no. I knew that.”

“How?”

“Which would be less insulting, your wardrobe or the line of _fabulous_ men you have dated?”

Kirby socked him in the arm.

“Ow, so butch!” he joked. “So, who’s the goddess among women you were—”

“Fallon” Kirby interrupted. “It’s Fallon.”

Sam’s face fell. “Oh. Wow, Kirbs, I said I wouldn’t judge, but I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“What…what do you mean?”

“Nobody gets over straight people. Christ, my straight crushes were so dramatic they could have their own Lifetime series. Actually, remind me to pitch that—”

“Fallon’s not straight…at least she wasn’t before.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “Wait, wait, wait a minute! Did you two…?”

“Yeah.”

His jaw dropped. “Oh my god! Oh my god! Tell me everything right now! I don’t care how long it is, I’ll definitely miss the party for this!”

“The party!” Kirby gasped. “I totally forgot! I didn’t borrow a dress from Fallon, so now I have nothing to wear!”

She then saw a twinkle of mischief in Sam’s eye.

“I have an idea,” he said, “but you’re telling me everything during it.”

“Oh, she definitely wants it.”

“Seriously? She dumped me like I was dirt!”

“She does that with everyone! What makes you so special?”

“I was her teen lesbian lover.”

“ _Secret_ teen lesbian lover. That’s the key word. There’s so much unresolved tension between you two. She’s willing to make up for it.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Because I know gay drama. I fucking _invented_ it. Now let me get a look at you.”

Kirby stepped out of Sam’s closet wearing his suit. It was a classic black and white tuxedo with a long tie. It was the suit that closest fit Kirby’s body type. Her long, red hair hung down over her shoulders. She looked at herself in the mirror, feeling like Leonardo DiCaprio in _Titanic_.

“Chicks dig chicks in suits” Sam assured. “Fallon will be all over you by the end of the night.”

“I’ll admit it. I do look good.”

“You look like every lesbian’s dream wife! God, it’s _Queer Pal for the Lesbian Gal_! Screw my Lifetime idea! Let’s get us a Netflix spinoff!”

Kirby laughed. “I’m down for more gay/lesbian friendship on TV.”

“And soon enough, Fallon will be down on you.”

Kirby slapped him lightly on the shoulder. She then looked back in the mirror and took a deep breath.

“Alright. Let’s make an entrance.”

A blue light washed over the grand hall of Carrington manor. Ice sculptures of flowers littered the tables. There was a station of rabbits with multi-colored fur for guests to pose with. And of course, the Carrington party staples—live music and an open bar.

Kirby and Sam walked down the stairs to the load of guests who had already arrived. In honor of the Spring theme, many of the women wore floral dresses.

“Groundbreaking” said Sam.

The two found a table nearby the bar so they could chug as many free drinks as possible.

“Where’s Fallon?” Kirby asked after her second champagne.

“Fashionably late by an hour” answered Sam.

Kirby was drinking a lot more than usual. She knew that this would be a problem by the end of the evening, but she couldn’t stop herself. Her nerves agitated her to no end. What would happen if she saw Fallon, remembering what she remembered? She sipped a new champagne flute.

Just then, Fallon cascaded down the stairwell. Kirby almost dropped her glass. Her eyes could not believe that a beauty like Fallon Carrington existed. She wore a dark blue chiffon ballgown with gold baroque trimmings. Her matching corset showed off her exceptional cleavage. Her hair was in loose, soft waves, with two front strands pinned in the back. To top it all off, she wore a crown of gold thorns around her head.

“I’ll leave you to it” said Sam to Kirby. He headed to the dance floor just as Fallon headed to her table.

“Where did Sam go?” asked Fallon.

“Off to get more drinks” Kirby answered.

“Well, you took the theme more seriously than I expected.”

“Spring cleaning does involve change, and I thought a change in wardrobe might be good.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you look decent in that suit.”

Kirby grinned from ear to ear. For Fallon, that was a genuine compliment.

“Thank you, Fallon. But no one’s beating you for ‘most extra’ tonight, especially with that crown of thorns.”

“I couldn’t let go of my Ides of March theme.”

“You do know that Caesar wore a wreath of laurel, right? This look is ranging on blasphemous.”

“Well I too believe that I will ascend to a higher power when I die.”

They both laughed.

“Hey, since you’re still partial to the Ides of March, does that mean Sam gets his pinata?”

Fallon groaned. “Oh god, not you too! Sam has bugged me all day about his stupid pinata! Actually…come to think of it, _you_ haven’t bugged me at all. Where were you? I mean, I’m grateful for your silence, but still. That isn’t like you.”

Kirby could feel her flush rise to her cheeks.

“I…I was plotting on how I was going to make that dress mine, all mine!” she joked.

“What are you planning? Stealing it from me in the night?”

“We stole a lot of things in the night.”

Both women were silent. The loud music filled in the space.

“Kirby—”

“I know that a party isn’t the best place for this, but I can’t wait. Everything that we did came back to me this morning. For the past ten years, I succeeded in wiping it out of my memory. But you still remember, don’t you? You threw out your dresser because of what was attached to it. You clearly remember a lot more than I do, so I would love to hear your side of the story.”

For the first time since she knew her, Kirby left the other woman speechless. Fallon stared down at her drink, as if her whiskey had the answer she was looking for.

“Did you find anything?” asked Kirby. “During your Spring cleaning? About us?”

Fallon looked at Kirby. It took all the strength inside of Kirby not to look away. Fallon’s eyes were so precious that they hurt. Kirby could feel herself falling again for the girl she knew ten years ago.

Fallon was about to open her mouth when a potential business client cut into their conversation. He then whisked her away from Kirby to talk more about whatever deal Carrington Atlantic had with his company.

Companies. They always took Fallon away. They always took her away from Kirby.

She swirled her champagne around in her flute, staring down the alcohol like Fallon did moments ago. The familiar sadness of the situation left Kirby’s mind to wander…

_She stared out of Fallon’s window. It was routine now to wait for Fallon inside her bedroom when she came home from school. Kirby loved Fallon’s bedroom, especially her window view outlooking the pond. She loved to wrap Fallon in her arms as they watched the sun set over the water._

_Kirby was especially excited for today. Today was the day she would tell Fallon that she wanted to go public with their relationship. Sure, she loved the privacy of it all, but every day she wanted to climb up to the roof and shout “I LOVE FALLON CARRINGTON AND SHE LOVES ME!” at the top of her lungs. Fallon wanted to go public for a while, and now Kirby had finally settled. She couldn’t wait for Fallon to come home._

_As she gazed at the endless pool of water, she noticed Fallon outside with a gaggle of boys. They were chasing her, but Fallon looked like she enjoyed it. Just then, the tallest boy picked up Fallon and kissed her on the cheek._

_Kirby turned away from the window in shock. Was this Fallon’s boyfriend? Was this a secret boyfriend she hid from her secret girlfriend? Did Kirby wait too long to go public?_

_These questions distracted her enough to not notice Fallon leaving the yard and heading inside. She turned her head to Fallon entering her bedroom, quickly shutting the door behind her, and pinning her body against the wood. Kirby strutted up to her._

_“Hi” Fallon said._

_"_ _Hi” Kirby repeated and kissed her. They held each others bodies so delicately._

_“So, who are the boys?” Kirby asked as she broke the kiss._

_“The sons of Daddy’s potential client.” Fallon rolled her eyes. “He wants me to make a good impression with them, date the eldest, marry him and hopefully inherit foreign trading or some crap.”_

_“Wow, all that and you can’t even drive yet.”_

_“Not legally.”_

_They kissed once more. Kirby felt Fallon’s hands crawl up her back through her shirt and under her bra hooks._

_“Fallon.” Kirby broke the kiss again. “I wanted to talk to you.”_

_“Oh?” Fallon pressed their foreheads together, her hands never leaving Kirby’s back._

_“Do you love me?”_

_“Of course I do. I love you so much it hurts.”_

_“Love is full of pain.”_

_“What?”_

_“You said that to me.”_

_“When?”_

_“Right before you taught me how to kiss.”_

_Fallon’s cheeks turned pink._

_“Are in love with me, Fallon? Because I’m in love with you.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yes, Fallon Carrington. I’m in love with you.”_

_“Then Kirby Anders, I’m in love with you too.”_

_They both shared a deep, passionate kiss. Kirby wanted it to last forever, but she needed to speak her truth._

_Just as she was about to, the door opened. Fallon fell flat on her back and Kirby followed down onto the other’s chest. Both were now in the hallway._

_They looked up to see that Blake Carrington had opened his daughter's door, standing next to his business partner and the three boys._

_All of them were shocked and had no idea what to say._

_“Mr. Carrington—” Kirby started to speak but then Fallon stripped her hands off Kirby's back and pushed Kirby off her chest._

_“Jesus Christ! Get the fuck off me, you lesbo! What the hell, Kirby? I told you that I don’t want you like that!”_

_Kirby was stunned. Her mouth hung agape, barely croaking out a response._

_“God, you are disgusting! You know that I’m straight, right?” Fallon continued._

_“Fallon—”_

_“Don’t Fallon me! You’ve embarrassed me in front of my dad and my boyfriend!” Fallon then reached over and grabbed the hand of the tallest boy._

_Tears prickled in Kirby’s eyes. What was happening?_

_“Fallon, please!”_

_“You’re so gross! I hate you, Kirby! I hate you! Get the fuck away from me!”_

_The rest of the family then turned away from Kirby, Fallon following suit. Kirby watched Blake rub his daughter’s back in comfort. She still held hands with the boy._

_Was that it, then? The end of Kirby and Fallon?_

_Kirby tried convincing herself that Fallon was just pretending, not wanting to come out to her father. But Fallon was ready to make their relationship public. What changed? Did she hate Kirby now? What did Kirby do wrong?_

_She ran away to find a safe place to cry. She found a room she hardly_ _saw anyone use. As tears streaked down her face, Kirby then watched her father and Alexis Carrington enter—_

_Oh. That was the day._

_The day she found out about Alexis and her father’s love affair. The day Alexis knew that Kirby knew. The day that Alexis set Fallon’s room on fire and blamed Kirby. The day they sent Kirby back to Australia._

_She can still hear the car engine taking her away from her father. Her home._

_Her true love._

_Though Fallon stood on the porch to watch Kirby leave, she kept looking down at the concrete driveway._

_“Look at me!” Kirby screamed. “Look at me, Fallon!”_

_Fallon did not look at her. She went inside Carrington manor without turning back._

_Kirby cried the whole plane ride. What the Hell happened? She didn’t set fire to Fallon’s room, but she didn’t know who did. Then she thought about Fallon screaming in her face how much she hated her. She thought about how Fallon hated her so much that she wanted Kirby gone without giving away their secret. She thought about Fallon setting fire to her room because she always had a plan. Blame it on Kirby and no one will question it._

_When the wheels of the plane landed in Australia, Kirby’s heart broke at the same time. Deep down inside of her, something festered. It was a new feeling she was not familiar with, but one she welcomed all the same. It was the feeling of pure hatred._

_Kirby hated Fallon Carrington._

“Need a refill?” Sam asked. “Blake’s giving a speech right now and I can never listen to him sober.”

Kirby slowly looked up from her empty glass with teary eyes. Eye makeup rolled down her cheeks.

“Oh, _Chiquita_ ,” Sam comforted. “What happened? What did Fallon say?”

“She hates me.”

“Really? She said that to you tonight?”

“No. Back then.”

“Kirby, honey, that was a long time ago. Things change. People change.”

“Not Fallon. She hates me.”

“Kirby—”

“You have no idea how much hurt I’ve been through! Exiled by my own father? Made out to be the psychopathic sheep of the family? And the one person who made me feel whole damaged me in the same breath. So no, I don’t care if she changed. Change or not, I can’t open my heart to her again! I won’t have her keep breaking me! She—”

“And now,” Blake wrapped up his speech, “I would like to introduce you all to a special musical performance this evening. My pride and joy, Fallon Carrington!”

A clatter of applause echoed through the grand hall as Fallon walked up to the stage and took the microphone from her father.

“Hello everyone! Thank you all for coming to the Carrington’s Spring-Cleaning party!” Fallon said to another round of applause.

“Since I’m sure we’re all exhausted from all the housework that we paid our staff to do,” she paused for laughter, “tonight I will be playing a slow song.”

Fallon then stopped her speech to search for someone in the audience. Her eyes landed on Kirby. They stared at each other as Fallon continued.

“This song has to do with the opposite of Spring cleaning, actually. As we focus on ridding ourselves of unwanted baggage and clutter, we should also focus on what we keep. These aren't material objects, but things more special than that. Family, friends, or…our love. Something we would all be lost without. I’ve changed some of the lyrics to personally reflect on this idea, and I hope you all enjoy.”

During the polite applause, Fallon brought the microphone over to the piano. After setting it up, the twinkling of melodic keys began to play.

_Standing in the driveway  
Watching you go  
It's like no other pain  
I've ever known  
To love someone so much  
To have no control  
You asked, "Do you love me, girl"  
And I said, "No"_

_But I think I'm lost without you  
I just feel crushed without you  
I've been strong for so long  
That I never thought how much I needed you  
I think I'm lost without you_

_Strangers rushing' past  
Just trying to get home  
But you were the only  
Safe haven that I've known  
Hits me at full speed  
Feel like I can't breathe  
And nobody knows  
This pain inside me  
My world is crumbling  
I should never have  
Let you go_

Fallon couldn’t make it through the rest of the song because she saw Kirby having a mental breakdown.

On her hands and knees, Kirby bawled. The years of pain and happiness and sorrow and love all regurgitated out of her. Repressed memories clawed from the inside. The torture was unbearable. Kirby knew she was making a scene, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Fallon confessed their love in public and no one had any idea. Kirby wailed out every emotion her brain conjured. She didn’t even notice Fallon rushing over to her side and slowly lifting her up.

“It’s alright everyone!” Fallon exclaimed. “She just had too much to drink!”

“No, I didn’t!” Kirby screamed. “You’re a liar. You've always been a liar!”

Fallon quickly walked Kirby out of the party and upstairs to her bedroom.

She laid Kirby down on her bed. Kirby then cried into the sheets.

“At least you’re not blubbering on my dress” said Fallon. “Those sheets are going back into storage.”

Kirby then noticed the sheets she referred to. Pink. Like the ones from ten years ago. Kirby looked up to see the frilly canopy above her. She smiled against her dried tears.

“How did—”

“My new bed doesn’t arrive in another week and my old one is still on a truck somewhere. This was the last resort.”

Kirby clung to the sheets. There were so many nights when they wrapped the girls inside of their secrets.

“Well, now I know why you didn’t annoy me all day, just so you could make a spectacle of yourself at the party.”

Kirby glared at Fallon. “You ruined my whole childhood, so I call us even.”

“You’re still on that?”

“Of course I am! I literally just remembered everything today!”

“How did you forget—”

“When you hate someone enough, you can do anything. I don’t know how it didn’t work with you.”

“It’s because I never hated you.”

Kirby sat up.

“You…you didn’t hate me?”

“No, Kirby. I always thought that _you_ hated _me_.”

“I did.”

Fallon lightly chuckled. “Yeah, burning down my room was a big hint.”

“I didn’t—”

“I know. I thought that for years, like you thought I hated you.”

Fallon sat down on the bed next to Kirby. She looked at Kirby right in her eyes. God, even in situations like these, Kirby could still drown in Fallon’s gaze.

“So…” Kirby tried to speak, a lump in her throat challenging her. “Why did you tell me that day that you hated me? And called me disgusting and said you had a boyfriend?”

Fallon sighed, which sounded like something she held inside for years.

“Around that time, Daddy started thinking seriously about hiring me for the company. Running Carrington Atlantic was my whole life plan. I wanted to be in his good graces, so I did anything he told me. When those boys came over—god, I can’t even remember their names—Daddy heavily implied that I should start dating one of them so he could form a lifelong partnership with his client. I hated the thought of cheating on you, but my future was at stake. So, when they found us together, I panicked. I went ballistic on you because I was so scared. Afterwards, I tried to find you and apologize, but then ‘you’ burned down my room. I thought _Oh god, she’ll never forgive me. I broke us apart_. When you left that morning, I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't look at you. I am the reason that they banned you. I never wanted you to leave but there was nothing I could do. Kirby, I am so, so, so sorry for hurting you all those years ago.”

Kirby could feel new tears prickle in her eyes but didn’t dare let one fall.

“So, when you came to see me, were you…were you planning to break up?”

She could hear Fallon gulp.

“Yes” she finally said.

Kirby looked down at her suit. Every outfit she had worn to a party was from someone else. Did Kirby even belong in Carrington manor?

“Maybe I didn’t want us to break up” Fallon said. “Maybe I went into my bedroom to urge you to go public with me and stand up to Daddy. Maybe I wanted him to choose between his company or his family. Maybe I planned a trip ten years in the future to Massachusetts so we could marry each other. Maybe I was that crazy for you. Maybe I hated myself for years for fucking everything up. Maybe I hated keeping our relationship a secret. Maybe I removed anything that reminded me of you, but you still didn’t go away. Maybe when I lied to my friends and future boyfriends about my first love, the guilt burned me until I was sick. Maybe when I was with my boyfriends, I kept thinking about you. Maybe I thought about you at night instead of him. Maybe I wished that you were in bed, lying next to me. Maybe when I heard that you were back, I wanted to pin you to any surface available and kiss you again, only to remember how much you hate me. Maybe I never stopped loving you, Kirby Anders.”

Now the tears had leaked out of Kirby. She looked over to see that Fallon was crying too. She also noticed that their hands were on top of each other.

“Is…is all that true, Fallon?”

“…Maybe.”

That one word made Kirby’s chest tighten. She no longer looked at Fallon Carrington, CEO, but at Fallon Carrington, her first love.

It didn’t matter who started the kiss first. Their lips were together and that’s all they needed. Years of empty conversations were spoken in just one romantic gesture. Oh, how these two missed this warmth! This softness! Kirby now knew that her home wasn’t in Carrington manor. It was in Fallon Carrington.

Both women pulled away slowly, basking in the lasting feeling.

“Kirby.” Fallon pulled on her lover’s tie.

“Yeah?” Kirby smiled.

“I want you to kiss me forever.”

That night, Kirby tried her best to grant Fallon’s wish.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I WROTE THIS ALL IN ONE DAY I AM LOSING MY MIND.  
> Be sure to follow me on Tumblr @lizbianoddity.com!


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